Lifestyle Transformations

 

Chris Mapp

Battling Disordered Eating and Poor Body Image

I have been on a diet since the 7th grade. I have done weight watchers, low carb, low calorie, lettuce sandwiches, skipping meals, Atkins, South Beach, Whole 30 and Paleo. Then I started bodybuilding and the cycle of restriction to freedom to too much freedom back to restriction really took off.  I am one of those people that can do anything if I really want to, so dieting for a show comes easy for me, the aftermath however, is a whole different story. I would say that I have allowed my relationship with food to rule most of my life, occupy a lot of space in my brain and rob me of joy more times than I can count. After my last competition which happened to be my first Pro show, I began to realize something needed to change and I just wasn’t sure what that was. I think that prep broke me a little and made me question whether this sport was really for me anymore.
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I have worked with several coaches over the course of the last 11 years and each one has taught me so much. Sometimes I received education, other times I learned what I liked or didn’t like. I have been pushed past my breaking point and not pushed hard enough. I have had relationships with coaches where I felt loved and cared for and some where I felt like a straight up client and nothing more. I have been given detailed instructions on what to do for and after a bodybuilding competition to NO instruction, guidance or wisdom at all and left completely blindsided by show day and even worse, post comp. But no one has been able to get to the root of my issues or really been able to help me figure out the best way for me to treat myself in the off season. This is where Tina stepped in.

When I sat down to write this I had so many things going through my mind that I had no idea where to start. I am still not totally sure how to put into words how I feel right now but the bottom line is I am in a very good place and it’s all because of what Tina has been teaching me! You see, I know how to eat “clean” and I know how to track macros, I coach others on how to do these things. I think the last thing I needed was yet another way to “eat properly”. Tina stepped right up and recognized that the relationship I had with food was an all consuming one that was leaving me depleted and feeling constantly defeated. I was in this cycle of “doing good and doing bad”. I was either on point with my macros or I was lying to myself and not plugging food into my fitness pal because I was ashamed of how I was eating and didn’t want anyone, especially my previous coach, seeing that I was failing. I was like an ostrich with it’s head buried deep in the sand, thinking no one can see me because I can’t see them. If I didn’t log what I was putting in my mouth than it wasn’t really happening, right??!

I have known Tina a long time and  had worked with her about 2 years ago for posing ,which helped me win my Pro Card. I have always had a good relationship with her and always admired her Team. After my last prep I was struggling, feeling crazy and guilty and lost. I would go to her with questions and concerns, thinking I was losing my mind and was desperate for someone to tell me what I was going through was not only normal but there was a way out! She continued to talk me off the ledge on many occasions, even though I was not a client. I was on the verge of putting myself in counseling for disordered eating when Tina encouraged me to attend a women’s retreat that she and her partner Brandi were hosting in March. I didn’t really know any of these ladies and I wasn’t officially on her team but my gut and my heart told me I needed to do this. By the end of our first night on that retreat I knew I needed Tina in my life more than just as a friend or someone I bounced my crazy off of. At that time I was working with a coach I loved and wasn’t sure I was ready to leave but decided I really needed to try something different and give Tina my all.

What I have learned in the last few months is not that I am crazy but that I am a totally normal woman that has spent years in the bodybuilding world. I have learned I need to be honest with myself about what and how much I am eating and not try and hide meals. I don’t want to divulge too much information on what strategy Tina has taken with me because it may not work for anyone else but for me it’s been magical! I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I had the answers all along I just needed Tina to help me find them. She has taught me not to be ashamed of what I am eating but just to own it. She has stripped the power out of food and made me realize it’s just that, it’s only food. I am living my life for the first time in so long! I am not beating myself up about food and I am also not hiding. I have found balance in a way I have never known before. I have also found what works for me in the gym and what is bringing me joy!

I love the stage but have no plans on stepping on it this year. I would like to do one more competition  before I hang up my stripper shoes and sequined bikini. I am not yet fixed enough however to believe I could get on that stage right now and not step back into my crazy relationship with food. I see my relationship with food still like a bad Lifetime movie but instead of running back to an abusive husband I run into this abusive relationship with chocolate chip cookies. I don’t need anyone else to beat me up because God knows I can do a pretty good job of doing it to myself. I do think Tina has me on the right track to recovery though and when it is time to take the stage again I can not wait to come out on the other side not only mentally healthier but with a Team of amazing women holding me up!

Making a lifestyle change happens one step at a time. There is always something new to learn, something to work on or improve.  A coach is an invaluable tool! This person can not only give you wisdom and advice, talk you off the ledge when you think your progress pics look awful and help you figure out the proper plan of attack that will work for you individually but they can see what you can not. They are a set of fresh eyes when yours are tired. They are the voice of reason when you can’t get your head out of your bum. And what you will get from THIS team is not just a meal plan and workouts! You are going to go deep into the mental side of a healthy life. Team CSFP understands that this is a mind and body marriage, they are both vital to each other for success and survival. I have never been healthier or happier and I don’t’ think I can thank this TEAM enough!